Jill "xtingu" Knapp

Traveling musician. Singer. Road warrior in bursts. Dork. Easy to spot. Gauche eyeshadow fan. Unreasonably happy.

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It's 5:30am and I just woke up with a case of BRAIN BEES. (Thank you to Sean and Dawn for this term, though I'm sorry y'all had to coin it.)  In trying to get back to sleep and failing (it's now 6:53) I'm trying to think of more pleasant topics than my aging parents and Hurricane Michael and Kavanaugh and that article in the New Yorker whose last 3 paragraphs killed me and kids spraypainting swastikas on an historic Black schoolhouse and climate change report and Trump and Columbus Day and how I do not want to go to the dentist today for fear of what awfulness they will find and how much it will cost to fix. 

So let's think of something fun, shall we?

Many people have a playful, silly list of famous people with whom they would be allowed to [redacted for Adult Themes] without consequence to their current relationship. 

For example, I have negiotated a deal with my partners (past and present) which states that if I ever met either Jack Black, Nathan Fillion, or Questlove, and if they were interested in a one-night [redacted] with me, that I would be allowed to use my It's Not Cheating Pass and enjoy my one-time [redacted] guilt-free and consequence-free. 

I have now added Monica Lewinsky to my list. Lordy, I love her style. 

Who's on your list? 

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10/10 '18 80 Comments
Oh, dude, I’m in a constant state of fighting Brain Bees lately. More on that story in a bit.
I might not have time to participate in this discussion as fully as I want to right now, because Vince is making dinner. But, on the subject of Brain Bees: DHOOOODD. I wholeheartedly empathize. Revising the Freebie List is a great way to cope. I haven't tried that yet, but I will. Here are the ways in which I cope with Brain Bees:

Vividly imagining walking up a spiral staircase, trying to get every single detail as clear as possible. This one is for lightweight Brain Bee swarm levels.

Translating songs I know by heart into Spanish. A favorite is "Kyle's Mom is A Bitch" from South Park. I don't know if it should he "Has encuentra la mama de mi amigo Kyle, es la bruja mas grande en todo el mundo," or "es la perra mas grande en todo el mundo." That's usually where I get stuck. It doesn't scan.

Translating "Stewart" by the Dead Milkmen into Shakespearean iambic pentameter. This one is tough, so I usually save it for emergencies, like when I'm really sick. If I'm having physical and mental discomfort, I have to whip Stewart out like a Leatherman Charge+TTI. "Know you this, Stewart, well do I love thee. Amongst all the villagers, thee I prize."

Finding inventive ways to produce overdone musicals. For example:

Annie: in the post-apocalypse.

Les Miserables: Kabuki, in the days around the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown: in a maximum security prison.

Oklahoma: during the Depression.

Sweeney Todd: elementary school playground. I'm not too thrilled about this one. My plan was that when someone is murdered, they are tagged "out" and have to sit on the bench in the corner. I don't think that's a resonant enough choice.

All-drag Guys and Dolls. This one is my favorite. I think the Broadway production should star Lea DeLaria as Nathan Detroit, k.d. lang as Sky Masterson, John Cameron Mitchell as Miss Adelaide, and Neil Patrick Harris as Sarah Brown.

I believe that freebie lists should be revised annually. That doesn't mean that it has to change (you could say "2018's list is the same as 2017's"), but you can add and remove people. However, I think there could be a rule that if you add someone, you have to remove someone.
This list is helpful and amusing. I recall you doing the 'Stuartspeare' and I told Rodney about it and he almost ejected a lung. He's dying to hear any of it if you wanted to share it.

And when I read your phrase "Freebie List" I thought it said "Frisbee List" and was temporarily amused/confused. I need reading glasses and I am fighting it.

"Brain Bees" really is the most perfect turn of phrase for a thing ever. It sucks that we all know it so well.
Did he really?

Shit, I'm going to have to follow through. I'm not sure how I'll deal with "the ride called The Mixer." For what it's worth, there's a shitty bar up this way called Curran's, that often has a live musical act called Sir Rod. I'm positive it's a Rod Stewart tribute act, but I get so tempted to call and ask them if it's a Rodney Anonymous tribute act, and complain when they say no.
Allright Harris-Friel, I need yer list.

My favorite thing you once said about someone you admired involved them having just washed their hair with Strawberry Herbal Essences shampoo. (I remember who your famous person was, but I didn't wanna announce it here case you didn't wanna share it. But I would love to bury my face in Monica Lewinsky's barely-damp hair... and that shampoo would be amaaaaazeballs.)
I wish I could remember who that was!

A guy I fooled around with in high school had broken up with some girl who used Suave strawberry shampoo. I switched to it, not knowing this, and it freaked him out so badly that he refused to be near me until I washed my hair with a different shampoo. I learned two things from this experience.
1) Kids are cruel (actually I knew that already)
2) Strawberry shampoo is a huge happy times trigger for people of a certain generation.

And now: Freebie List 2018, in no particular order

1) Benedict Cumberbatch (although he's skinny enough that I'm afraid I'd kill him if I even hugged him)

2) David Tennant (see above)

3) Ewan McGregor (an evergreen candidate)

4) Adam Driver (but only in certain lighting conditions. sometimes he just looks like a greasy arrogant dork and sometimes he looks like a tall Clara Bow)

5) Adam Scott (see 1 and 2)

6) Colin Firth

7) Jameela Jamil (I just want to brush her hair. Really.)

8) Evan Rachel Wood (see 2, 3 and 5. She's so teeny!)

9) Liev Schreiber, but there's something wrong with him and I can't put my finger on it, so he might get bumped

10) The guy who plays Oleg on The Americans. (Google) Costa Ronin.
AND ESPECIALLY Jarvis Cocker.
Oh dear god I love you to pieces right now for your Brain Bees list. It's 2am, I've had insomnia for weeks, you had me at spiral staircase. Love love love.
Karen Kuhl 10/12 '18
Oh! Monica! [scribbles her name on the bottom of the list]

I will say, I've had to cross some folks off as it became clear what crappy people they really were... sigh.

But on the current list? Hmmm....

Jack Black (can't disagree with you on that one!)
Bradley Cooper
Jodie Foster
Dean Stockwell
Judi Dench
Rosalind Russell's ghost
Donald Glover

Those are the folks who come to mind first.
Anne Mollo 10/10 '18
I love this entire list!

I would add Lady Gaga to my list, but I think I have more of an admiration crush on her, and would really just like to talk shop with her.
Just re-read your list. Judi Dench is so freakin' great. Wotta woman!
Oh I love Lady Gaga. But you know, I just saw her and Cooper in A Star is Born and I thought, "Oh, that would be so dorky to put them both on the list right now." Plus... bjeezus I admire the woman. On every level, in every way. I would absolutely want her to represent our species when the aliens come and are trying to decide whether to exterminate or merely enslave us.
Anne Mollo 10/11 '18
I lost a bit of respect for Ms. Dench recently when she opined that Spacey was hard done by.
Waider 10/13 '18
Oh maaaan, did she say that? Come on Judi, get with it...
Aw. I didn't know that.
Anne Mollo 10/13 '18
Wow.

That article makes me think of a post for another time... something along the lines of: if you do awful things and then some lovely things, are you awful or lovely? (I wrestle with this a lot.)

Also, this is my navel, and I shall stare at it for a while.
I used to want to take a bubble bath with Kevin Spacey, but that ship has sailed.
Yeah. Same boat Johnny Depp is on.
Anne Mollo 10/12 '18
Here's my Sorry, But Your Ship Has Sailed list:

Kevin Spacey
Johnny Depp
Von Hayes
Trey Parker
Harrison Ford

...and believe me, this isn't a "sorry I'm not sorry," this is a "dhhhooood. I am Sorry for the Loss of You."
Why Harrison Ford? What did I miss?
She probably doesn't want to deal with the complications of schtupping with a walker.
Ray Conrad 10/13 '18
That, and, something about him leaving his wife for Calista Flockheart turns me off.
Yeah, I get that.
Sure, he can cheat on his wife with me in my mind, but leave her for Calista Flockheart in reality?
So, time machine jumping back before the breakup is still okay? Or does knowing it's going to happen still ruin it? (Talk about ovethinking).
Ray Conrad 10/14 '18
AGEIST!!

Also: lulz
I think you'll find that this is creepier when the guys start responding.
Ray Conrad 10/10 '18
But, come to think of it, while the principles are still alive I'd like to revisit Trading Places and see where 35 years has left the firm of Winthorpe and Valentine.
Ray Conrad 10/10 '18
Set it in 2008.
That was a great cast! I just had to imdb it to remember everyone, but yep!
That never occurred to me that this could be creepy if guys chimed in. I promise not to think it's creepy, if that's at all helpful (and I don't know if it is, or if I'm just being horribly blind and icky... and if that's the case, I hope someone will tell me).

In the meantime, Matt's alllll about Rosario Dawson, and I'm totally OK with it. :)
So is this in as-is condition or are we talking about peak hotness? Gotta set the ground rules before I start up the melon with some 80 proof ol' thought lubricator.
Ray Conrad 10/11 '18
"Gotta set the ground rules before I start up the melon with some 80 proof ol' thought lubricator." I love the way you write-- I snickered aloud when I read that.

Hmmm. I think the official rules are probably "the person as they are now," but rules are also made to be broken... so what the hell: list yer list regardless of era. Because I'd love an evening with a Citizen Kane era Orson Welles.
Well, all the people on my list, I am totally thinking, "as they are right now." Age has never put me off. When I saw Judi Dench in The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel... I just MELTED. I've yet to see the sequel; I missed it in the theaters and now I'm kind of saving it up.

And Dean Stockwell? I can't even. I've loved him at every age, and the older and scragglier he gets, the louder my pulse beats. Watching Quantum Leap, everyone fawned over Scott Bakula, and I'm all like, "Dr. Beckett you need to stop talking so I can hear Al." And THEN, when he showed up in the remake of Battlestar Galactica??! Died and went to heaven.
Anne Mollo 10/11 '18edited
isn't it interesting how people sort of grow into themselves?
You see, if we went exclusively with "as they are right now" I'd be delving into necrophilia. And, sorry, that's a hard NO.
Ray Conrad 10/12 '18
Forget the dead bodies, dude! Go for the GHOSTS! Didn't you ever read any Anne Rice? (NOT the Vampire Series! Different kind of undead.)
Anne Mollo 10/12 '18
Anne Rice is the single biggest reason we have a vampire problem in the western hemisphere today.

As far as doing the nasty with the passed-y, not going to happen. If I'm going to shoot my load into a sheet I'd prefer it to be cotton, not ectoplasm.
Ray Conrad 10/12 '18
Hahahaha. You kill me.

I dunno, man. For Rosalind Russell, I might even deal with the ecto.

Anne Mollo 10/12 '18
This little thread is awesome. :)
I'm the same with age. I much prefer old and doughy David Gilmour to 25 year old David Gilmour. And Billy Joel will always be on my list.
Okay, my list in two parts;
The first part is what I call American originals. Iconic beauty of the ages. Yes, I am a product of the era I grew up in so there's a lot of blondes with a full crowd in the balcony. Most of this list will require a time machine, because they've gone on ahead of us, turned into total train wrecks or both.

Full disclaimer: I am 100% hetero.

Mae West
Marilyn Monroe
Jayne Mansfield
Grace Kelly
Lana Turner
Kathernine Hepburn
Audrey Hepburn (Warning, small parts, FRAGILE)
Farrah Fawcett
Jenny McCarthy
Anna Nicole Smith
Pamela Anderson
Kelly Lebrock
Brittany Murphy

The second list is as they are now. And again, I'm a product of the era I grew up in.

Cindy Crawford
Kim Basinger
Meg Ryan
Christie Brinkley
Markie Post
Lacey Chabert (Warning, small parts, FRAGILE)
Joey Lauren Adams (Warning, small parts, FRAGILE)
Monica Bellucci
Christina Applegate
Elisabeth Shue
Courtney Cox
Aisha Tyler
Sandra Bullock
Lea Thompson
Jeri Ryan
Minnie Driver
Dina Meyer
Missi Pyle

Because, being single, every day is hall pass day. Never mind that I've got a better chance of seeing the Lord than for one of these celebrities picking me out of crowd to bump uglies with.

Ray Conrad 10/13 '18
IHNJ, IJLS "Warning, small parts, FRAGILE."
"Full crowd in the balcony." Never heard that before, but I am giggling.
Not creepy at all, at least in our house. Paul’s list includes Drew Barrymore and Drew Barrymore.
Anne Mollo 10/11 '18
Drew Barrymore is pretty wonderful.
1. emma thompson
2. emma thompson
3. emma thompson
CM Adams 10/11 '18
excellent choices.
Indeeeeed!
In what order? Or does it matter?
I am so obsessed with this post that I had to write my own post about it.
I don't have such a list (and I'd have to think about it for a while to come up with entrants) but I'm intrigued by the occurrence and recurrence of Jack Black in this thread.

We /are/ talking about Nacho Libre, School of Rock, High Fidelity, Tenacious D Jack Black, and not some mystery hunka-hunka-burnin'-love beefcake of the same name, right?
Waider 10/12 '18
Thank you for this. It made me laugh out loud.
Anne Mollo 10/12 '18
My absolute pleasure. You and Jill are converting me to the church of Blackness.
Yep. Try to listen to "Fuck Her Gently" and not add him to your list in 6 seconds.
This thread is hella old, but I'm not kidding when I tell you I played this song for Roger and not halfway through it I caught him googling for the mp3 on Amazon. He is now fully converted to the D-side... entire album, in order, every road trip, (with air drums and air guitar).
Karen Kuhl 10/25 '18edited
Why yes, /that/ Jack Black. And now you have a little window into our souls.

He's funny, he's smart, he's multi-talented. What's not to drool over?
Anne Mollo 10/12 '18
I guess the thing that has always bugged me about him is when he does the man-child bit. To be fair, he's not quite made a career out of it like, say, Will Ferrell, but I've always found that sort of acting grating.
Waider 10/13 '18
Have to agree with not liking man-child gigs. I can't think of a Will Ferrell character that I've liked. I guess I just pass over Black's version of that, because he has such a broad range.
Anne Mollo 10/13 '18
The best Jack Black performance might be in, hold on, Jumanji. Watching him chew up scenery playing a self-obsessed high school girl in a well-padded Jack Black body was worth every cent. Kevin Hart, Dwayne Johnson and Karen Gillan could not hold a candle to him. THAT, my friends is acting talent.

Going on the theory that making humans laugh is hard, but making them cry is easy, I'd love to see him in a pure dramatic role. He played it straight in the Jackson King Kong remake, but there's only so much an actor can do with the script he's given.
Ray Conrad 10/12 '18
Have you seen Bernie?
No, but I just read the wiki page for the movie. I've got to watch that.
Ray Conrad 10/13 '18
It's a brilliant movie.

And also "The Big Year" with him and Steve Martin is also great. While not a super-serious dramatic role like Lawrence Olivier or something, it's definitely lighthearted, but it's Jack being very different than his typical Jack.
Oooh, that one scene in particular where he does the thing, and then realizes what he's done. Ooooooh, good stuff.
Karen Kuhl 10/25 '18
Listen to Wonderboy by Tenacious D. I think I've only heard it once, yet I understand the panty-melting allure.
No, wait. Even better: https://youtu.be/bzl_l5gC5is

Chicks dig personality, commitment and talent.
Are we talking just a one night thing or more of a prolonged get-to-know-the-real-person deal, because I gotta be honest, the one night thing is not really the way my libido rolls so much. At least I don't think? Thirty years ago I might have been able to come up with a "top 5 pump & dump" but now I just do not think so.

Maybe if we reframe it to "who would you want to become really close friends (maybe with benefits) with" I could have some honest answers. But then again it's so hard because public personas so rarely match what people are really like at home getting underpants drunk after a bastard of a week. When you really want to curl up and soothe and make everyone feel really nice and loved.

Some thinking is required.
Sean M Puckett 10/12 '18
I think in this case, actually, perhaps LESS thinking is required... [chuckle]
Anne Mollo 10/13 '18
Certainly no one has ever accused me of under-thinking something!
Sean M Puckett 10/13 '18
Here is a thought, re: the freebie list, hall pass, whatever you want to call it.

Fantasizing about celebrities gives us a template for knowing what we want.

When I was breaking up with She Who Must Not be Named (or putting plans in place to get out of that toxic relationship), my freebie list was an over-thought and cherished concept. It was the poster of Raquel Welch on a Mexican beach in Shawshank Redemption.

One time my therapist and I were riffing on the kind of person I wanted to be with next, and I said, someone like the lead singer of Everclear. I wasn't into him or the band, really, but I saw an interview with him that meant a lot to me.
a guy (so I could be the pretty girl in the relationship, a concept she used to torture me with)
had recovered from drug use, so he knew what recovery was like
has a lot of scars or tats or both so he knew what pain/endurance/recovery was like, and was okay with weird body image stuff (because I had terrible body image stuff)
had bleached/dyed hair or had ever bleached/dyed his hair so he knew what it was like to say "this body is mine and I can control it and change it" and also knew that hair dye is damaging
played at least one musical instrument so he knew what it was like to struggle with something difficult for its own sake
liked to dress up, but not all the time, and was man enough to wear a skirt, so he knows that dressing up takes work, but is about vulnerability and power and all kinds of stuff
most importantly, would check the blind spot in the car when I'm driving.

Now I'm with a terminally honest musician who has probably had every facial hair configuration and haircut that you can name, has endured painful surgeries, has worn cowboy, 60s garage rock and Victorian costumes in public, and always checks my blind spot.

also, I cannot name the lead singer of Everclear without Googling.

Lindsay Harris Friel 10/13 '18edited
Art Alexakis, IIRC.
Ray Conrad 10/13 '18
I love this explanation.

And I am so happy you have found Your Person. 💗
I’m seeing 71 replies to this post but not one reference to Idris Elba. Friends, I am disappoint.
Michele Grant 10/20 '18
Thus your own list was born.
Anne Mollo 10/20 '18
Man-crushes on Idris Elba are common amongst my male peers, but he didn't make my lengthy and indiscriminate list because he has the wrong set of plumbing. And his initials are the same as the browser of my nightmares.
Ray Conrad 10/20 '18
Idris Elba is not a person. He is a force of nature. He cannot be bottled up into a freebie, hall pass, or one night stand.
Gaaah! What the holy hell is wrong with me?! He is dreeeeeeaaaaaammmmyyy.
- Ben Goldacre
- Benedict Cumberbatch
- Martin Freeman
- Rupert Graves
- Hugh Bonneville
- Taye Diggs
- Hugh Laurie
- David Tennant
- Denis Lawson
- Jason Momoa

Apparently I prefer British. Dunno why.
Kate Haney 10/22 '18
Ahhhhh... Hugh Laurie, you beautiful, tormented man, who once played a beautiful, tormented man with a gravelly American accent. Yes, please, good sir.
Karen Kuhl 10/25 '18