I had lots of random thoughts today, but I have also been having migraine auras, so can't really look at the screen.

Also, the cat is sick. Nothing is easy.

Everything is fucked and today is a day I can't separate myself from the sorrow and impotence of living at the end of the world. It's not just that the US is over--that's not the world--it's that the climate is over.

I don't have kids, but I love some people who do. And I love some people under the age of 18. We destroyed this world. We let petroleum companies lie to us. We let governments perpetuate their dominance. We let people waste and divert water. We let factory farming create disease and destroy land.

I hate us. I hate myself for failing to make change.

So when I started doing court reform and judicial elections work over 10 years ago, one of the common threads was how much court systems assume that the people access them don't need[fn1] to know anything about the process. Especially if you have an attorney, you're expected to just go along without explanations or answers because the systems don't provide those answers and having those answers does not give you any tool to change timelines or outcomes.

It's this thought: having those answers does not give you any tool to change timelines or outcomes that I keep bumping into this week. Not in court access, but in customer service.

The pandemic has screwed up supply chains. It's screwed up business processes. It's hamstrung employers and a bunch of terrible things, even putting aside the people it's killing. But I'm seeing an interesting divide between business that are handling the disruption with candor and those who stonewall.

In April, I placed two orders: one with HerRoom (which sells mostly bras) and one with Ikea. Both took my money; both discovered problems with their supply chains. HerRoom not only updated me ("Sorry. We know you ordered this, but we still haven't received it to ship to you. We'll let you know more when we do. You can wait or cancel by clicking here.") at regular intervals, they answered my one email with what little they knew in response to my direct, specific question and a sorry, this stinks but it is what it is.

Ikea. Well, Ikea have been complete assholes. The phone tree disconnects you if you select "talk to someone about an existing order"; the webpage only has an option to cancel an order. The Twitter account is a bot that says "sorry. we're experiencing delays." I have a specific direvt question about the bill of lading which they emailed me. A specific question which the bill of lading directs me to talk to them about, at the phone number that hangs up on me.

See, Ikea knows the answer to the question and also what impact my knowing those answers will have. They have decided it is unnecessary to allow me access to that information. That is about as frustrating as not having the information. Even if the information is: we really don't know. This is how we will send you an update--that would 1000x more satisfactory than how they are handling it.

[fn1] oindeed, courts often assume people don't deserve to know anything about the process but that's a digression into the malice or brutal heirarchy of the law and I'm really thinking about the more benign or unthinking motivations or just inconsiderate choices.

I've got an unexpected (nonCOVID) medical thing going on which is probably nothing but which is impossible right now. The upside is the hospital is right by our offices (which are not yet abandoned), so I can pick up some notes I might need. Unless I take some sick leave, which I might need, regardless of whether or not I turn out to be actually sick or just dealing with hyper-vigilant doctors.

I'm going to drive, instead of bike, because I am trying to clean all of my things out of my office and there are still things there too big for my bike.

In other news, a friend said "congrats! better done than perfect!" to me and I almost wept from validation and love.

I read this today and I relate to it:

And I am well aware of the difference in behavior, attitude, self-awareness, empathy, and compassion between adults who were treated with compassion and respect when they were children and those who were not. 

I should talk to my mom about it because I feel like we were and I'm not sure how my parents came to that model.

QotD: I said this earlier and want to repeat it: we had a tremendous opportunity this year to show compassion, in so many ways, and it’s such a continuing disappointment to realize how many people opted not to.

Oops. Forgot to hit post, so this is Saturday AND Sunday AND Monday.

We made some progress on cleaning out our storage unit. Ate hot dogs. Cleaned some more. Ate tacos. Cleaned some more. 

Spouse is getting all the money in line to leave the country. Unlike several friends, we can't do the Irish citizenship, so he'e getting things together to demonstrate we can support ourseives without working or welfare.

I don't know how I feel about leaving my parents or my sister. I don't know how I feel about being a refugee. I don't know that I want to leave everyone.

During the hours of last night when I was awake, I thought about what I'd take and what I'd abandon if we left quickly. Not that it would come to that--even if we go, it would require time and planning. Everything is digital now: pictures, money, contacts. But I'd want the Cursed Family Ring. Mom's paintings. 

As hard as it is to think about the picking and choosing, if we leave the country calmly, normally, like moving to another state, I cannot imagine how we'd leave suddenly, in an emergency. 

I don't know. I'd like to feel safe. It does not feel safe here at all. 

Spouse always wants to go walk for miles along the Lake in the middle of the day when it's hot and crowded. And he always remarks that I seem like I don't want to be there. And I don't. It's hot. And it's crawling with strangers who, for all I know, are eating in restaurants, going to bars, using the gym and recreational shopping in stores. I don't want to be near anyone like that.

Not even in the park.

This makes me think it will be years before I'm really comfortable around strangers at all. And possibly never before I can do crowds again, but I was headed there anyway.

I saw recently a CityLab (I think) blurb, showing how some strategic grocery stores and small commercial could make suburbs actually liveable. I can't leave the city because I do not ever ever ever want to have to drive somewhere if I need milk for my coffee or want to grab a few things at the drugstore. Plunk a grocery down at the top of every cul de sac and a book store or hair salon and I might consider it.

That's the other thing I am increasingly less comfortable with now that I never do it: drive. I drove a 12 mile round trip to buy my sewing machine just before Christmas. And I drove an 8 mile round trip to my office in April. 

Plowed through some very mundane tasks on the to-do list. Including the first step (transferring the orders from one hospital system to the other) for some tests my doctor ordered months ago. Getting the parts ordered to cure my bicycle of winter riding and summer neglect. Prepping the sewing room for an upgrade.

It all felt very normal. I even ran across the street to the wine shop run by the woman who went to the same college as my sister & my husband, albeit 10 years after.

Had Indian delivery for dinner. Gonna have a cocktail and some video games. 

It all feels so normal. 

Why does that feel so dangerous?

On our turn around the park (it helps, but I whine, especially when it's hot like now and when it gets crowded), Spouse asked what I'd do in particular, if I had a free pass magic bubble "no-one gets sick or dies" leave to do anything.

And I couldn't really pick something. There's no single thing. And then I said I'd take the train to my parents and go to Dad's favorite restaurant for dinner. Then I started crying.

Speaking of no-one gets sick or dies, I'm having a hard time not being angry at people I know for their choices right now. I know it's complicated. And I'm not arguing or shaming people or even writing them off. I know it's complicated. But I am angry with the choices people I know are making. I know it's going to change relationships over time.

The most basic truth I believe in is that the most vulnerable person in every situation is owed the highest duty of care from everyone else in the situation. I know that is nothing something my society teaches, practices nor rewards. Particularly not when the most vulnerable person is a stranger or can't easily be identified.

Which brings me to my quote of the day:

Yea I’m dumb, and no politician heroes, but @EdMarkey saying maybe it’s time your country did something for you is, besides being a brutal burn, the exact perfect message for this moment and so obvious I can’t believe no one has said it before now.

I would really like a sandwich. One of those overly crafted fancy sandwiches with a lot of specialty ingredients. Excellent bread. Expensive cheese. Sprouts. 

I haven't had a good sandwich in probably a year. Since Dummy #1 and I went to Jerry's. Or possibly the last time I was in the Loop at the right time to stop at Pastoral. It's a tiny thing that's making me sad this week while I'm still on my Dear God I Want Life Back kick.

Of course, the flip side of that is how insurmountable simple tasks feel. I've completely forgotten how to do things without the CTA (I have been running between the two condos on my bike for that business, but that's technically walking distance and requires me to carry only keys) and driving? Just.No. It isn't only that the car is 25 years old and starting to show it (the A/C stopped working and now we're not sure whether the windshield wipers do)--it's also mainly I hate driving.  After slightly more than 30 years of hating to drive. I really hate to drive. 

And, of course, the anxiety of being out with strangers. This is partly reasonable (will you keep an appropriate distance? will you wear a mask?) and partly completely unreasonable (are you a McClosky? Are you going to start spouting hate?) and partly banal (I'm out of practice).

So. I stay home. We walk in the park. I do Zoom cocktail hours. Sometimes my sister sits in my yard with me. Spouse does the grocery runs. Dummy #1 runs errands for me and for Dummy #2 sometimes.  In between, I struggle to get work done, sew more cloth masks, do the odd household chore.

In a shockingly unfortunate time, I could be more fortunate only if I were a tech billionaire.

We took a walk; it was hot; now I'm sneezing from all the pollen. I did a good job of walking away from thoughts today, so now I'm having difficulty deciding what to note about today.

Under this administration, USCIS  has ignored the SCOTUS ruling and they are rejecting all DACA applications (and returning fees). Renewals will be granted for a single year only, the start date of approval being the date the application was approved by USCIS. 

This frightens me because people still think that the election will happen and the results will be accurate and a transition--should one be ordained by the results--will follow. I see very little evidence of that.

It makes me angry. Everything makes me angry but especially now, the impotence of anger, the impotence of people in need, the indifference of people in control, that makes me angry.

"[The protests] are a human response to violence."

The US is all violence and screaming at the sky.