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Another Day crush 10/9 '22

I turned to spouse the other night and wondered out loud who was going to die next. And said I was tired of people dying. And wondering who would die next.

This was the saved draft in this app, which I have not opened since September 2021. I opened it back up today because I wanted to think about this statement "Grief is disrespectful. It shows up unbidden. It interrupts dreams, work, joy. People say it’s messy and I get that, but mostly I think it’s uncontrollable" from AHP's newsletter today.

Earlier this year, I tried to find a therapist but remote therapy did not work for me. I might try to pick up again with the woman I was talking to, if in-person seems rational, because as I talked about nothing from a safe screen-shielded distance, she interupted me to say "this sounds like you have a lot of unresolved grief."

And this is true. But as I was telling my mother the story (we were sitting in a beautiful bar at an extremely posh resort where I finally caught Covid, despite the entire course of vaccines), she asked "did she give you suggestions for how to resolve it?" and I had to say no.

So this is what I've been thinking about and where Ive landed is: there is no way to resolve grief. It's that F, hanging out in the C Major chord for the rest of your life.

10/9 '22

grief

Day 41 crush 9/1 '20

I'm struggling with myself over a few things. And I have a few important personal administrative tasks to do this week.

It's Andy's birthday this week. He's been dead (how odd the present perfect continuous tense) for nine months now. Long enough to be born. We had only a few short weeks to grieve together and then it's been this liminal state of living. I guess that's fitting, but it fucks with the process of grief.

Had an in-person conversation today with a friend I've not seen since the funeral. He stopped by to pick up a thing, stood on the sidewalk in front of the house; I stood back on my porch. I forgot to grab a mask on my way out.

I still feel like an asshole.

9/1 '20