I've been sleeping like the dead. This hasn't been the case since the Violent Traumatic Event which almost killed me when I was 20. I don't like it.

It's funny because I had just told a few friends about my theory that people only have one or two dreams, over and over and over again. I say this because I only have one dream--or as far as I can tell I only have the one dream. So I figure we all repeat our dreams, and sometimes we remember them, but focus on the strange details that count as variation.

This week I've been having dreams that bear no resemblance to the dream I always have. It's disconcerting. They are rage-filled, anxious, and full of dead people. None of that is unusual, sadly. But they have unfamiliar settings; unfamliiar features; people I don't see in my dreams. I don't know what to make of it.

Waking up is like coming out of sedation. And that is unusual and also disoncerting. 

I'm not fine, but I'm fine. 

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I missed writing yesterday. I had started thinking what I was going to write and then never sat down to do it.

I think talking about dreams is boring. I think listening to people recount their dreams is intolerable. Dreams are not interesting, portentious or noteworthy to me. I rarely even think about my own dreams when I remember them. 

I often have bad dreams--always a variation on the same haunted house dream. I've been prone to sleep paralysis ever since I was a teenager and when I have the haunted house dream, it often moves into sleep paralysis as I try to wake myself from it. The other night, I had a terribly unpleasant dream completely unlike my haunted house dream, with no sleep paralysis of any sort, which I did not wake from (rather I slept through until morning, not knowing I'd had a bad dream until hours later when I suddenly remembered it in vivid detail).

That's novel. 

I'm not a good sleeper. I rarely have difficulty falling asleep, or rather, when I do have difficulty falling asleep, if I just stop trying for a short while, I'll have no trouble when I try again. But I have difficulty staying asleep. If I wake in the middle of the night, I'm lucky if I spend the next few hours drifting in and out of sleep. I spend a lot of time tired. I took Ambien for years but I stopped. 

I did not have any issues with it--no fugues, no sleepwalking, no real difficulty waking, but I just stopped taking it. It was just easier.

Took a long walk on the Lake this weekend. The Lake is full.


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8/2 '20