Nadja is a 1994 vampire movie starring Peter Fonda as Van Helsing.  So far, so good.  The film was written and directed by Michael Almereyda, but its $1M budget was financed entirely by David Lynch.  The whole thing is in black-and-white, but the "vampire-vision" point-of-view was obtained by using a literal Fisher-Price toy Pixelvision camera.  Here's my favorite quote sequence from the movie:

Nadja (holding Lucy's pet tarantula Bela):  "What does he eat?"

Lucy:  "Potatoes. Potato salad. Beer[?*]. I tried to teach him French but he wasn't interested."

Nadja:  "Maybe he has a learning disability."

[?*] That word is unclear.  Maybe it's actually "Deer"?  That makes even less sense, though.  Was this part actually scripted?  The actress playing Lucy is Galaxy Craze, and she reportedly said "I don't recommend people give their kids weird names."

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We just saw an appallingly bad movie and I'm entertaining the possibility that you may have found a worse one. But it's unlikely.
 

We borrowed this movie from the library and I remarked that Nicole Kidman was still married to Executive Producer Tom Cruise when it was being made.

B:  "What?  This movie isn't that old!"

Me:  "Yep, it was released in 2001."

B:  "What?!?"

Me:  [spooky finger waving] "Wooooooooo!"

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10/29 '25 5 Comments
I remember when that movie came out, and how Entertainment Tonight interviewed Tom Cruise on the red carpet about how talented Kidman is. I think they’d just gotten divorced, but it was to his benefit for the movie to make money, so the conversation was a masterclass in text and subtext.
Oh man. Just based on that comment, I may have to see if I can dig that up on YouTube...
I hope I remember it correctly!
Seems about right. Tom Cruise could say “monkey cold banana copter, over aloe ingeborg humperdink,” and make it compelling, though.
 
 

"Black Widow" passes early, with a brief conversation between Alexei and Dreykov about a MacGuffin.  Alexei later talks a little bit with his arm-wrestling buddies and guards too.  That's... maybe it?

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7/17 '21 2 Comments
I was just recently made aware of the “named character” addendum, so that may disqualify everything except that first MacGuffin conversation.
It’s a fun thought experiment, although as I understand it the point isn’t that every movie needs to pass the original test, it’s that the bar is so low and yet so few do. Since there’s no such problem in the inverse… but we know this.