Just Call Me the Grinch Matt Lichtenwalner 12/6 '14

I'm off today. Rain does that. Don't have the car, because the coworker is using it. Didn't want to let that keep me locked up in the hotel room, so I went for a walk anyway. What the hell - it's just rain - it won't hurt me.

That means that by the time I got to Perkins for my brunch, I was pretty thoroughly soaked. I'm ok with that, but it might have shifted my mood slightly. (Full disclosure.)

The annoyingly ubiquitous X-Mas music was being piped through the dining room. Many songs played. One stuck in my head, and I found myself analyzing the lyrics in a different way than before:

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer

You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen, 
Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen., 
But do you recall?
The most famous reindeer of all?

I'm sure you're about to tell me.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (reindeer)
Had a very shiny nose

Dude has a drink every now and then. No big.

And if you ever saw it (saw it)
You would even say it glows (like a light bulb)

Actually, I wouldn't. At least (if I'm honest) not to his face. Come on - that's just rude!

And all of the other reindeer (reindeer)
Used to laugh and call him names (like Pinocchio)

The other reindeer sound like jerks. They're not even creative jerks.

They never let poor Rudolph (Rudolph)
Join in any reindeer games( like monopoly)

What exactly makes a game a 'reindeer game'? Sounds to me like the other reindeer are not only uncreative jerks, they're also biggoted douche bags.

Then one foggy Christmas Eve, 
Santa came to say, (ho ho ho)
Rudolph with your nose so bright, 
Won't you guide my sleigh tonight?

Oh, so you wouldn't lift a finger to help Rudolph with the uncreative biggoted jerks before, but now that you NEED something from him...

Then all the reindeer loved him, (loved him)
And they shouted out with glee, (yippie)

What shallow pricks these reindeer are! They're all about tearing good ol' Rudy down until Santa gives him the thumbs up and now he's better than sliced bread? This is starting to sound like an after school special about cheerleaders. Seriously Rudolph? Get a better class of 'friends'.

Rudolph the red-nose Reindeer (reindeer)
You'll go down in history (like George Washington)

Because being a slave and towing the line (literally) to the fat white dude is all it takes huh?

What? I'm not grumpy. Just disillusioned.

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12/6 '14 14 Comments
This is the way I see the world and I think your Rudoph exposition is hilarious.

Oh, correction, this is the way I see everything in the world that was not produced by Jim Henson. For some reason, Muppets destroy my cynicism, maybe because Waldorf and Statler are cynical for me.
Shelle Klein Houser
I can think of no better talismans. Talismi?
Matt Lichtenwalner
Loved this. Yes, the jolly old fat-man is a self-serving, jerk who takes all the credit for the work of his elves while he whips his reindeer...
Ben
If only someone could explain why that's so bad, and perhaps provide an alternate mindset...
Matt Lichtenwalner
"Creative Jerks" is my new web agency.
Thomas Boutell
On the invoice, have line items for;
NAME CALLING (Pinnochio)
Reindeer Games (Monopoly)
Exclusion
Laughter
Historic Re-Enactment
Lindsay Harris Friel
Does that make you the penultimate jerk?
Matt Lichtenwalner
...and if so, you should have the silhouette of Steve Martin behind text.
Matt Lichtenwalner
Are you kidding? I've been interpreting it this way since adolescence. And also "Baby It's Cold Outside" is manipulative as hell (but I still love it, sigh).
"Baby It's Cold Outside"

(I really can't stay) But, baby, it's cold outside
(I've got to go away) But, baby, it's cold outside
(This evening has been) Been hoping that you'd drop in
(So very nice) I'll hold your hands they're just like ice

(My mother will start to worry) Beautiful, what's your hurry
(My father will be pacing the floor) Listen to the fireplace roar
(So really I'd better scurry) Beautiful, please don't hurry
(Well, maybe just half a drink more) Put some records on while I pour

(The neighbors might think) Baby, it's bad out there
(Say what's in this drink) No cabs to be had out there
(I wish I knew how) Your eyes are like starlight now
(To break this spell) I'll take your hat, your hair looks swell

(I ought to say no, no, no, sir) Mind if I move in closer
(At least I'm gonna say that I tried) What's the sense of hurting my pride
(I really can't stay) Baby, don't hold doubt
[Both] Baby, it's cold outside

(I simply must go) Baby, it's cold outside
(The answer is no) Baby, it's cold outside
(The welcome has been) How lucky that you dropped in
(So nice and warm) Look out the window at the storm

(My sister will be suspicious) Gosh your lips look delicious
(My brother will be there at the door) Waves upon a tropical shore
(My maiden aunt's mind is vicious) Gosh your lips are delicious
(But maybe just a cigarette more) Never such a blizzard before

(I got to get home) But, baby, you'd freeze out there
(Say lend me a coat) It's up to your knees out there
(You've really been grand) I thrill when you touch my hand
(But don't you see) How can you do this thing to me

(There's bound to be talk tomorrow) Think of my life long sorrow
(At least there will be plenty implied) If you caught pneumonia and died
(I really can't stay) Get over that old doubt
[Both] Baby, it's cold
[Both] Baby, it's cold outside
Karen Kuhl
Hah! Never noticed, but you're totally right!
Matt Lichtenwalner
Urgh, formatting does not work so well in comments.
Karen Kuhl
Hmm, what sort of formatting were you hoping to do?
Thomas Boutell
Hahahaha! Fucking reindeer.

Man. You're gonna be not driving for a day or two... Looks line some wet weather is coming out way Tuesday. Ick.

Where exactly are you these days?
Jill "xtingu" Knapp
Actually, I was off yesterday because of the rain, but the day before I drove past your parents' place. Like... if I made a left by the barn I would have passed in front of the house. Also drove past the restaraunt where there is sometimes a bear.
Matt Lichtenwalner