In Chicago, 19 deaths and 1,757 confirmed cases were reported since Thursday. The city is seeing an average of 14 deaths per day, down from an average of 18 people dying per day the week prior. An average of 1,339 confirmed cases are being reported per day, a 31 percent decrease from the prior week. But testing has also fallen 31 percent in the past week.

I'm starting to hear from more friends with COVID or with COVID in their immediate families. We haven't left the house since before Thanksgiving (except a couple masked walks in the park), but my parents each leave a couple times a week; and my sister is in a pod with another only-child familiy. I am starting to have moments of pure terror on a regular basis.

But I've mostly finished my Christmas shopping. That's odd. I have to mail some cookies around.

I got the licence plate and it's now registered all legal like in Delaware. Hurray.

But of course it is getting a vanity tag, so this tag is just temporary. I put it on anyway, because I may need to get a Christmas Tree in it this weekend.

I called the local RV store about installing shore power for me. I know I *could* do it myself, but this (and the ceiling vent) I'm quite happy to pay a professional. .. they haven't called me back.

I started removing the inside fluff, err, wall panels. So far no rust! Yay. I'm thinking I may reuse the panels after I put insulation in the walls. I wonder if I can paint/stencil them. ... I don't really want plain black walls.

I ordered insulation. I'm going with Haverlock Wool for the walls/ceiling because reasons. It should get here in 4-6 weeks. Although I'm going with polyiso insulation for the floor, covered probably with 1/4" plywood. Also because reasons. I'll doubtlessly go into the reasons at some point, but this is pretty much the case for wool. 

The resources out there are staggering. Quite the subculture, it's easy to get sucked into "research" for hours on end. MUST RESIST. . . this GreenRV site sucked me in today on my insulation and flooring research. And will likely do so again in the future.

Current effort:

Step NOW: Continue to remove interior fluff and unneeded stuff

Step NEXT: Drag in my camping cots to see how/if they'd fit (I have 3). And the trifold mattresses (I have 2). Nag the RV store on shore power/vent fan installation.

Step AFTER Next: Get moving on the floor.

Pending: Electrical design -beyond Shore Power hookup (Alternator Power Hookup). 

I got a Medium Top Used 150-Ford Transit 2015 Cargo Van. Bought it in Connecticut, picked it up last weekend, getting it tagged at the Delaware DMV today (God willing and the creek don't rise.)

It currently has shelves and a bulkhead divider in it. Which I need to take out. I posted the shelves/bulkhead on FB marketplace and craigslist, no takers yet.

I do NOT plan to live in this van full time. I do plan to take it to parks for a few nights (the type of parks that have bathhouses). I plan to sleep in it at rest stops. I don't expect to be spending more than 5 nights in a row in it. 

I expect it will be just me sleeping in the van 50% of the time; 25% of the time to have my kid with me, 25% of the time to have another adult with me.

My first scheduled trip is to the Delaware Seashore state park (Indian River Inlet) for 3 nights in early April, most likely with my 10yr old. The second trip will be 2 weeks of hiking in Utah with my brother. We'll sleep in the van on the drive out and back, but will be in tents/hotels for the hike. These are guided hikes where the outfitters take care of sleeping accommodations.

So I have 3-1/2 months to get this van into "sleep for 3 nights" in 40degree weather condition. Also to get myself into "hike for 2 weeks" condition.

I've been thinking and dreaming on how to proceed. The blank canvas is a bit daunting, but also exciting. So breaking the build down into smaller and smaller pieces so I can attack them one at a time. 

Step NOW: Get it tagged

Step NEXT: Remove the Shelving & bulkhead (and other interior fluff), which I could use an extra set of hands for. Which I don't have, so it'll be interesting. In non-Covid time I'd get a neighbor to help - in particular the young dad from across the street who is always very helpful when you, say, need a half dead mouse dispatched from under your sink or need help changing a flat. Or I'd throw a deconstruction party of sorts. Stupid plague. Just going to have to figure out how to muddle through from within my bubble.

Step AFTER Next: Figure out Vent Fan installation. Figure out heat and AC (?) options.

Pending: Electrical design - Shore Power hookup, Alternator Power Hookup; Insulation choices;  Sound deadening

Ok, it's apparently to me now that I need a step 0: Start a document to get all my thoughts together. Doing that now.

On top of all the other things, I am completely burned out at my job. I had been fairly burned out already last year, but now I am a pile of cold ash. Completely charred and burned down to nothing. I'm professional cremains.

What's burned me out at work--prior to *gestures vaguely* everything--is just the basic dysfunction of the nonprofit workspace, tiny type. And some small failures. And some stagnation. And a lack of novelty. And some complicated reflection on the path that led me here, the mistakes I made, the right choices I made, and the realization along the way that I was never ambitious. That I only ever wanted a job I was good at, at an organization I was not embarassed by, that left me emotional and mental space to be a person in my off hours.

Which I have, in spades, and am exhausted with.

So I'm frequently angry with myself for being burned out. And also because I believe in the work and the general work environment is very good: work-life balance, dominon over projects, good-for-non-profit-salary. But I am. I am tired and ready to be somewhere else, doing something else, for someone else. 

But I don't feel at all marketable. I've also known too many people my age & education level & comparable job title who just gave up trying to find new jobs, as their searches stretched from a few months to a few years. So I should just get over being burned out.

I'm less than two years away from "being eligible for public service loan forgiveness". My org has given up our office space and transitioned to a permanent "work from whereever is conveniet" model, no matter what the new year brings. This is a situation that says "ride it out. find a way to reconnect with it. be better."

However, I suspect I just don't want to work as a professional anymore. That if, through some divine intervention, I actually get my public service loan forgiveness, I'll try to get hired at the sort of hourly wage job that does not really exist any more: file clerk, receptionist, coat room clerk at the local museum. That's a total pipe dream--and I know it--a woman in her 50's with a minimal social network, getting a non-exploitaitive, non-back-breaking job for just a little pin money. 

Maybe one of the local legal aid agencies would have a part-time job that I could get hired to do and then get fired from because I wouldn't work more than my hours? 

Or maybe I could retire. Would that not be amazing?

What to do? You can’t argue people out of paranoia. If you try to point out factual errors, you only entrench false belief. The only solution is to reduce the distrust and anxiety that is the seedbed of this thinking. That can only be done first by contact, reducing the social chasm between the members of the epistemic regime and those who feel so alienated from it. And second, it can be done by policy, by making life more secure for those without a college degree.

"They" like to remind people that when you design for the person with a disability or who needs assistance, you make things easier for everyone.

Designing a social safety net that works does not just feed the destitute and aid homeless drug addicts. It gives dignity to all wage earners and a margin of error for anyone.

There are a lot of things I don't understand about people. One is the fear that a thing which may help you may help someone else more.  Another is the belief that help you will never need has no value in your community.

 I understand anxiety and I understand feeling you have not control. I just don't understand how it leads to the belief that no-one at all should have aid of any kind.

May Kim and i look so good in another thirty years.

I forgot what I was going to say.

My parents have never not ever in their lives had a Thanksgiving that was just them until this year. I don't just mean "in their married lives" (they've been married 55 years) but I mean when they were children, too, even my father's dirt-poor, no-one-had-time-nor-skills-nor-money-for-a-feast family, they always had Thanksgiving guests.

We have always had Thanksgiving guests. 

But not this year.

This is only my second at home alone with my spouse Thanksgiving. And one of only maybe half-a-dozen I haven't been at my parents. We ate very good food. Had a couple great cocktails. Relaxed. Zoomed with my family. Slacked with my best friends. Had a few texts and phone calls with some other folks. 

This year sucks. This world sort of sucks. We're lucky. We love each other. We like each other. We have stable, well-paying jobs we are able to do from the safety of our home--which is safe, warm, nicely appointed and easily affordable on our income. We're healthy. 

I have the best, most trustworthy, kind and giving friends. My beloved sister and her family are within walking distance. We're safe, safe with each other. and even though we have more than that, it's hard to care because of how grateful I am to be safe and safe with each other.

The U.S. is not safe. It is deeply unsafe for so many people. And sometimes even unsafe for people like me. And I am grateful for the things I have and grateful for the people showing me ways to fight to guarantee them to more people.

I got a flu shot at CVS. It was easier than posting on Facebook. 
I went to CVS.com, answered about 10 questions about symptoms (basically I clicked  "no COVID-19 symptoms" about 10 times), then I clicked on an appointment time and said, yeah, I'll show up. 
I went to CVS, waited, then I sat in a room with a nurse, she asked me if I had any questions, checked my ID and insurance, and gave me the shot. Done. 
Easy peasy.

If you haven't, and you can, get one. 

A friend had to take her roommate to the hospital this morning. They thought he was having a heart attack--it's COVID 19. I last saw her 16-17 days ago. We met outside to exchange some things. We're waiting to hear. To see what we can do for her, if it's even possilble to help. Maybe deliver soup.

The estimate is that 1 in 16 people in Chicago has an active infection. The realtor who just sold my rental property tested positive last week (I last saw her in person in August). She feels like she's recovering.

Our across-the-hallway neighbors have a steady stream of visitors. I have never seen these neighbors wearing or even carrying face masks but I have only ever run into them when I'm sitting in the back yard. 

I am frightened. I am angry. I am sad.