It's been over a week. I picked up his ashes today, but didn't open the package. I received a memorial something from someone in the mail too, but didn't open that, either.

I did clean and put away all the sick-supplies: the water fountain, the feeding syringe, the meds, the list of symptoms with dates, notes from phone calls with the vet.

His food dish still sits out, filled, as does his water dish. His toys are all over the house. I came *this* close to tossing his litter box out with the trash tonight, but backed out at the last minute.

I keep his little blue hoodie on my bed. I have his first baby toy, a pair of dollar-store shoelaces, tied to the bedpost.

I miss him.

I'm upset that I'm getting used to the silence.

I made a short video of him. My (Roger's) nephew was going to make a longer, more professional one with the full song, but his wife is about to have a baby any minute, so that is probably off the table for a long time. If anyone knows a professional videographer who would take a commission to edit something together for me, please let me know.

Some of you have already seen the video from my Instagram, but the link is below. Sharing it/him makes me feel better.

So I (finally) got a new theme for dragonbones.net.

It's cleaner looking, I think it's faster, and after a discussion with our beloved Thomas Boutell I did the work necessary to get all my graphics converted from PNG over to WEBP for (again) speed.

Anyway - have a look and (please) let me know what you think!

He donated an astonishing 128,000 zorkmids to friendly priests, and never attacked a peaceful creature.  (Strange how so many chose not to be peaceful!)
As for his other conduct...
After his cat Kit Fisto picked an ill-advised fight with a watch captain in Minetown, he only felt slightly guilty about occasionally eating food that would otherwise be wasted.  His pet killer bee named Baybee didn't survive the dungeon either.  And one is obligated to make use of a divinely-gifted sword, right?  There was dancing with demons, and nurses in a graveyard.  Experimenting with polymorph control turned him into a woman temporarily, which may have caused him to lose interest in dancing.  Mind flayers are annoying far beyond their ability to kill you.  One inflicted him with amnesia, so he had to genocide all similar-looking humanoids in reprisal.  And then once one has committed a genocide, why not a couple more?  Goodbye, liches and cockatrices.  After looting Ludios without finding so much as a crummy sack, he resorted to poly-piling for a bag.  Then he polymorphed into a black dragon to disintegrate Master Kaen.  He eventually started sporting dragon scale mail and a shield even though monks aren't supposed to wear body armor.  He plundered the grave goods of "dareman" (killed by a mumak while reading a book) to get Magicbane and other goodies.  The Astral Plane went very smoothly after eighty thousand turns of preparation.  He chose the correct curtain behind Famine to ascend with 3,994,254 points and armor class negative 49.

Alistair passed away suddenly tonight.

He had been hanging out with me like usual this afternoon, when something happened out of nowhere around 6pm. He started howling loudly and desperately, and then collapsed. We rushed him to the vet in a panic, but whatever was wrong was not fixable, and we had to quickly put him to sleep, as his lungs were filling with fluid. I don't think he was really with it as we were saying our goodbyes, but he was in our arms from the moment it started until the very end, except for maybe 5 minutes where they did a radiograph on him (which, unfortunately, didn't show anything.)

I am forever grateful this happened while I was home, with Rog done from a job early and literally walking through the door as it started, AND that my vet was still open and let us bring him in instantly. I'm also grateful that his favorite vet happened to be on tonight, because she did the kindest thing of all by side-stepping any panic-options and telling me it was over. We did all we could, it was time. I'm also grateful he loved the vet, so he didn't die in a scary place. He had people who loved him around him.

She thinks he threw a clot, and possibly to his brain, with the way he was crashing. He was struggling so hard to breathe in the 5-minute carride to the vet that he actually bit through Roger's forearm with all four canines and we had to get that checked at urgent care afterwards. Alistair never hurt a soul, and I feel he was already out of it by then. I hope he was, and yet I also hope he knew he wasn't alone.

He had passed out six weeks ago and we discovered he had hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, but was supposed to be okay on meds. However, he kept passing out and two weeks ago he had a mysterious episode and nearly died. It was then we realized he was in worse shape than we originally thought, but we couldn't risk leaving him alone in a cardiac unit an hour away near Philly for a weekend of testing and intensive care when the cardiomyopathy was already looking like a death sentence. He passed out during anything that made him too wriggly (holding him still to clean an accident off his back legs and tail, or holding him down for a scan), so I made the decision to keep him home and nurse him myself, and then he made a miraculous recovery.

The last two weeks he was better than he'd been in months. He ate with gusto, he had more energy, I brushed him often and babied him even more than usual. I'm so grateful we had a chance to even take him on a short walk on that warm summer day we had last weekend. He was alert and playful and looked like nothing had ever happened. I was cautiously hopeful to have at least some more time with him. More time than this, anyway.

He was only 12. He was a truly amazing friend. Absolutely loving and so affectionate, bold and curious. And absolutely beautiful. I wish I could write more, but I'm exhausted and my head is spinning. The house is too quiet. There is an empty spot next to me I cannot fill.

I think we might need to have a talk about The Eileen Fisher Spring Collection. I can't stop thinking about it. 

It's a lot of linen pajama looking stuff. Part of me says, well, yes, this is everything I want to wear when it gets warm out. But, I don't live in a bubble. Are these clothes that will keep me from boiling inside when it's 95 degrees and 95% humidity? Will they hold up while doing apocalypse activities, like growing my own food, tending my chickens, barricading my windows and fighting off bands of roving marauders? Also, those prices make me hyperventilate. But, I'm looking at some of this stuff and thinking, I could make that. 

I think Eileen Fisher needs to accessorize this with a tool belt for apocalypse tasks. yes, the clothing has pockets, but I'm going to need something more robust to hang my gardening tools and weapons. 

I might need to make a Pinterest board for this. 

Does this mean my executive function is bad, or good? Which section of my Eisenhower Matrix do I put this into? Important but not urgent, I guess. 

Oh Wormie Boy, the Hive, the Hive is calling
From Earth to Mars, and in the Scarlet Keep
Oryx is gone, and all the Thralls are dying
It's you, it's you must go and I must sleep

But come ye back, for we are paracausal
And by Sword Logic you must always grow
So you'll be here when I am just a fossil
Oh Wormie Boy, Oh Wormie Boy I love you so

And when you come and all the Knights are dying
If I am dead, as dead I well may be
You'll come and find the place where I am lying
And sing once more my viral song for me

And I shall hear, and thus begin an aftermath
So my revenge shall even sweeter be
For you will send my greetings to Xivu Arath
And I shall sleep until Immaru comes to me

1. The French always surrender.

No, moron, without the French we wouldn't have a "United States of America", we'd be a British colony. God Save the Queen.

2. America was "great" and now it isn't. 

Pick a year and I will tell you at least one horrible thing Americans did to each other or the American government did to its citizens. As Howard Brenton said, "Ever since the first man sat on the first chair, he has been hitting the second man on the head with it." Brenton himself was not American, and I don't know if he was "great", but he wrote some plays I like.

Or, to quote a famous American writer, "It's man devouring man, my dear, and who are we to deny it in here?"

(Stephen Sondheim)

3. The Founding Fathers were all "great" men. Owning slaves was a common practice in their time and we shouldn't hold them accountable.

Seriously???

Yes, owning slaves was a common practice in their time, that is true.

People are complicated, but dehumanizing other humans is not complicated or nuanced, it's just wrong. 

Did they know it was wrong at the time? There are MOUNTAINS of evidence that yes, they did, including Jefferson's original draft of the Declaration of Independence, not to mention his mixed-race children, some of whom he sent to France to be educated. Jefferson is by far not the only example, he's just an easy one to cite.

They knew it was wrong and they did it anyway. 

Also, the gentlemen in the North may not have owned slaves, but many of them profited from the slave trade (who do you think owned the ships?).  

Where it gets "nuanced" is whether we judge someone only by their worst acts. That's more of a philosophical conversation - can someone who was a slave-owner be "great" or perhaps have "done great things"? *

4. Forcing Americans to get vaccinated is either a) a violation of our freedom, b) socialism, c) fascism, d) all of the above.

First of all, socialism and fascism are two incompatible philosophies of government, so pick one. 

Second of all, we have a United States of America and the freedoms herein due to the efforts of the French (see point 1) and a guy named George Washington who led our continental army. Also to a portly bookseller named Henry Knox who was a total nerd about cannons, but I digress.

Here's the comment I want to leave on every stupid website with stupid people whining about vaccine mandates:

THE FIRST MANDATORY INOCULATION IN THIS LAND** WAS MANDATED BY GENERAL GEORGE WASHINGTON.

(Inoculation = same purpose as vaccine, more primitive mechanism)

Who mandated the smallpox inoculation for the entire continental army?

George Washington. The Father Of Our Country. The General who won the War of American Independence.

So if you think vaccine mandates are anti-American, please stop typing right now and read some American history. Ideally from a book, but the History Channel's website is okay too. Also, look up why Mitch McConnell limps and why no one you know has polio.

History Bitch, signing out.

 ------------------------------------------------------------------------

* I'd discuss over drinks in person, but only if I respect you.

** Not in "The USA" because the USA did not yet exist, and if the continental army had all come down with smallpox, even with all of the aid of the non-surrendering French, we'd all be British citizens, God Save The Queen!

Marguerite is married to my mother-in-law's cousin.  She is even more delightful in person than this 35yo recipes writeup in the NYT describes.  We hope to see her and Gary soon.

Okay, this is perhaps me being a little grumpy, but here's the thing: physics is a real thing.

When you are trying to get somewhere - especially a small somewhere like an elevator or the entryway to a restaurant - and you encounter an *ahem* non-petite individual like myself? Let us out before you try to squeeze your narrow ass in.

I've encountered this my entire life, and I find it absolutely maddening.

On more than one occasion, it has taken everything I had to not loudly proclaim "If you would let my fat ass out instead of cramming your way in, there will be more room for you inside!"

It seems SO obvious to me.

(For the record - yes, I realize people are caught up in their own worlds / issues and they clearly aren't thinking about the physical spaces around them. They're 'focused on something else'. I don't care. This makes me... angry. And you don't want non-petite people angry, I promise.)

HOLY CRAP.  We just watched Annette (with music by Sparks (!!!)) and OMG OMG OMG OMG you've gotta see it. Adam Driver. Holy crapballs. It's not a particularly happy feel-good movie, but Adam Driver acts the everloving craaaap out of it, and I love the artifice vs. real vs. theater vs. actors vs. yadda yadda yadda.  

And did I mention Sparks? Because SPARKS! (Sorry. Love me some Mael Bros.)

Hey Lindsay Harris Friel ​​​​​​, if you haven't seen it yet, I will pay you (especially) to see it. 

It's available on Amazon Prime Video. I will gladly give anyone my login if you need it.

ProTip: Watch it with captions; they really helped... not because people had diction problems (quite the contrary), but because I am almost 51 and I'm at that age where I like them.

The reviews are pretty much in agreement; you'll either love it or hate it. I am firmly in the "love" camp, but even if you hate it, I'd still love to hear your thoughts. 

(In other news, I have 18 drafts in my OPW drafts folder. One of these days maybe I'll finish and post one.)

Love youse crazy kids.