I know I'm not the only one posting about David Bowie today I get that. But it's hit me so hard. This is my generations Elvis and him being gone is like a giant hole in what I know life to be. Like missing an entire color all of a sudden.

Everyone usually references Labyrinth as their first Bowie movie. Mine was the Hunger, with the sister of a famous lead singer. And the first time I admitted to anyone I was bisexual. Straight or gay, I think David Bowie was everyone's "Ah ha!" moment of  what it feels like to be attracted to someone. And that's so important for so many people. Tons share the same story and maybe it lessens it a little. But in jr high, I had this secret that I felt I could share with someone who was exactly like I was, and open and so cool about ti.

Still, I can't help this giant hole I feel. Life feels a little different from now on.

I absolutely love you.

Random midnight Christmas ham is always worth it.

A sunny day is a welcome recharge. But they go away every night and I begin to doubt myself again. Piece by piece we've been cleaning and throwing things out. But I can't stop feeling empty inside. Now it just looks like clutter in the wrong areas, and I keep staring and shifting and moving things.

After a full check up by the doctor (which included blood work and me climbing the ceilings away from needles) I'm in perfect medical health. Which means all this depression and malaise is mental. And so I'm staring at an email of another offered therapy appointment and having a hard time hitting accept.

I hate that. I'm a person of progress, and I'm not sure how I got so bogged down. But it starts getting darker sooner during this time of the year. And so I don't move as much and I worry my kid, who is lively and beautiful and dances to make me smile. I'm really hoping she doesn't suffer through any of this when they're older.

But I didn't used to. There's such a stigma around it and why you go. And the first time I went I lied to them. The 2nd time I lied to myself, and then finally after a few sessions I finally said "I'm paying you a lot of money to help me with something that I'm not being honest about. So. I'm not getting any better. Here's the deal..." 

And it's a lot of hard work, but that's why I'm seeing someone. Because at the root of it all, I'm unhappy with myself.  And I need to figure out why? After a year and a half break I'm finally going again thanks to insurance and it's time to get back on the road to solving things. 

I wish more people had access to it. I wish more people could reach out when they needed. And rather than vilifying it, I choose to be open and support whoever wants to go. I'll update progress as I go.

Every time I'm up in the morning, I think of this phrase.

is the average of what I spend cleaning. That's dishes, kitchen, laundry, vacuuming, cleaning the table, cleaning up after people in the bathroom. I work 14+ hours a day, and every day is the same. Pizza or fast food left out on the floor, milk from breakfast on the table, pile of dishes. So that 2 hours after a long day, I'm spending it cleaning up after everyone in this house. I get that people have long days, and I get that the last thing anyone wants to do after a long day is pick up after themselves, but it's getting really close to me picking everything up and throwing it off the balcony to save space. And that sounds like a really great idea right now.

If we lived in any other climate, this place would be contiually filled with bugs. Instead I'm putting up with everything being sticky, or crumbs, or wondering what that smell is when someone decided to move a cup somewhere and forget about it. I'm tired and I just want a little help, and a little respect about how I feel around this damn place.

50/50 would be amazing, but right now I'd even settle for 20% effort rather than 0.

So I missed the big one, but I may get a second swing at it soon. We'll see.

Honestly this life is pulling me so many directions, I'm at the point where I'm going to say jesus takes the wheel. Each month I'm working about 60% of it, and that's fantastic news. I'm to the point in my career where I can finally start running up the stairs, climbing to bigger jobs and working towards getting on much larger things.

Still, feels empty. or lonely is the better word, and I don't now how to fix that. No one I started with is still racing with me, and that's cool. I understand. And I'm excited to get to this launch point. Just thought I'd have more people to talk to about things, and not wondering where the next run of motivation comes from.

That sounds arrogant doesn't it? I don't mean to. It's the one area in my life I'm feeling vaguely in control of. Which usually means at this point everything will start hurtling out of control.

I need more drives through the starry desert night. I need more mornings on an ocean liner through winter kissed mountains.  I need tea and quiet thoughts. Cat footprints across keyboards.

I used to be good at writing. I used to have concentration and was able to build worlds with words and trying to connect each string and build upon that. Sadly, lately it's more a race to be an adult and work on things outside of what I'm trying to get done. But I'm trying, and I think that's what counts. I have projects I want to do next year, and I'm going to have them finished and prepped for getting it done. There's nothing standing in the way that can't be taken on and overcome.  I just wish it would go faster.

Took a big hit by not landing a job that would have taken me to the next level. And then on top of that, lost two more jobs of smaller importance. And I'm just sitting here thinking... Okay... one large step back, but need to put my best foot forward and jump back on track. Which means universe, I have goals and I need to meet them, so either help or get out of my way.