Lots to love on this list.  Good food for thought.

Yup it's cold in Chicago today. I hate the cold just as much (if not more) than most people I know. But ya know what? I woke up under a pile of blankets in my heated home. Took a hot shower, and then put on clean clothes that were warm and dry. With a full stomach, I chose which coat to wear and opened up a box full of mittens, gloves, and scarves to layer on. I know that no matter what happens today, I will have food to eat and safe, warm spaces to dwell. Counting my blessings today and wishing that this was the norm for everyone. ‪#‎HandHWeek‬ ‪#‎NHHAW‬

So I'm really stuck on this whole boat metaphor.  (Too much reality tv?  Below Deck Marathons... anyone?)

Beyond the boat in the storm, I've been reflecting on my crew.  Bear with me as I break down this cheesy metaphor.

The captain of any ship needs a first mate and a solid crew.  These are the people that will help you chart a smooth course and survive the inevitable storms.  They're looking out for your best interest along the journey.

Here's the catch-

The best people for the job may not be the ones you've assigned to this role.

Mind blown.  Truly.

At 37 years old, I'm just beginning to grasp this concept.  There are so many people in our lives that we keep on as crew members and even first mates, who are no longer suited for the job.

Maybe they are there out of habit, or a sense of obligation.  We often let family members and old friends fill these roles, regardless of their effectiveness or interest in the job.  I'm here to tell you, they are taking up valuable space.  

I'm starting to see that it's impossible to chart your journey without an excellent first mate and crew.  Ones that you have mindfully selected, not just allowed to exist.

Here's the other thing-

They are often not who you thought they would be.  Maybe your partner is not your first mate.  Maybe your sister is not a member of your crew.  That's ok.  

Let them go from the role that you've assumed for them.  Let them go from the role that others expect them to play in your life. That's the powerful part of this process.  Letting go of assumptions and expectations. I have found it to be very challenging and important work.

Once you can let go, there is room for you to select your first mate and crew. To put your time and energy into a network of loving and supportive people who give that energy and love right back.

So, today I made a list.  I wrote down the names of my first mate and crew.  The go to people in my life.  Without thinking about it, I simply listed the first names that came to mind.  People I depend on.  People who take me 'as is'.  

At first, it was an odd little list.  And it was a short list. Many of the usual suspects were missing. It felt strange not to list family members or even some of my oldest friends.

Then I saw the common thread.  Every single person on this list energizes me. They make me laugh. They are honest and open, while being kind and respectful of my journey. These people truly shelter me from the storm, no questions asked.  Just seeing their names in print was comforting. They are my crew.

Have you ever watched a boat in a storm? Lifting up on the waves, rolling to the side, slamming back down into the surf?  When the storm is too much, the boat takes on water, sometimes it even begins to sink.  Most of the time, no matter how harsh the weather, the ship will right itself.  The storm will pass. The sun will shine again and things will move on until the next storm strikes.  I've been thinking about this a lot lately.  Clinging to the mental image of the ship that survives the storm.

For the past few years, my life has felt like a series of storms.  I'm constantly bailing out the boat and waiting for the weather to change.  See, the problem with becoming more self aware is that you can no longer ignore the painful or unhealthy things in your life.  This is a real catch 22.  You press for growth and change in the hopes of finding peace and a better life on the other side. No one tells you about the middle part.  If they did, we would all stay put in our place. 

Well, I'm here to tell you about the middle and that everything is awful sometimes.   Sometimes, it all catches up with you.  You've spent so much time trying to survive (and even thrive) in the storm that you've totally lost your way.

You know that you are strong.  Others see your strength too.  They continue to count on and even drain you of that precious gift.  You begin to view your strength as a blessing and a curse.  It all starts to unravel.

 That's pretty much where I find myself today. Unraveled.  In the middle, where everything is awful sometimes.