Beyond Adequate- Will it be a one post wonder?
8/12 '14
Last month I bought a car for the first time- a car that I chose for myself. Having grown up in a "frugal" (crushingly cheap) household, and having been a broke graduate student well into my 30s, I have driven hand-me-down Toyotas since the day I qualified for my Learner's Permit. I have a relatively anti-consumerist streak in me. If the car has wheels and a seat, it's good enough, right? Well...
Back when I was courting my husband he would often talk about his Porche 911. During the "sussing out" phase that kind of talk qualified as a red flag. I thought he was trying to impress me with things- until I actually saw the car. The 1980s 911 too was really just an engine with wheels and seats. That 911 is purely about the joy of driving for him. The state of the interior signals his lack of concern with prestige- the funky ripped up leather seats, the removed a/c unit that unloaded "extra" weight. You get the idea.
Two years ago yesterday I married the Porsche man. He didn't grow up in a "frugal" household. His parents worked their asses off to move out of Bed-Stuy and into their own suburban raised ranch on Long Island. They worked opposite shifts for years- his father as a court administrator and his mother as a nurse during nights so someone would always be home to care for my husband. Now retired, they enjoy what they have. The difference being that in my own "frugal" upbringing, the idea was you needed work for what you have (an adequate home, an adequate car, adequate clothing, and probably too much savings for a "rainy day") so you won't have to worry. But you still do worry- and, even in your rejection of materialism, a concern with squirreling away money for its own sake comes to dominate all aspects of life.
By now I have been working as a college professor for quite a few years and have paid off some of the things that needed to be (still working on the student loans, unfortunately). Out of pure pride I announced to my husband a few months ago that I would drive my 1997 forest green Rav 4, which my father had passed on to me with 120,000 miles on it, until it rusted to bolts on the roadside- smell of long deceased dogs romping through saltwater be damned! He grinned and shook his head.
My husband was an only child. His parents taught him to earn what he wanted in life, but they were also generous with him when it came to having things. Anyone remember the LaserDisk? He continues to be an expensive toy collector even as an adult (Hello vintage sail boat, BMW motorcycle, Airstream trailer, old friend 911, second hand M3 convertible, and beat up Land Rover). If it goes, has an engine, a sail, or wheels of any kind, he is likely on Craig's List looking for it. We are opposites. He enjoys first and worries later. I worry first and enjoy when it seems appropriate for whatever my present circumstances might be and only after significant and careful budget consideration. He's an optimistic extrovert and I'm a realist/pessimist introvert- between the two of us we would be one relatively well-balanced human being. We have a good time together.
Last month, staring at some standard but hefty older car repairs, I was finally worn down. I picked out my own car for the first time at age 42 and I didn't choose it out of pure practicality. It took some psychological gymnastics to get over the guilt of that- Should I really have something that's more than just adequate? Boy did I go way beyond adequate this time. I bought a 2008 BMW 335XI coupe. Is it a family car? No. Can I haul compost in it? Not really. My three dogs and husband can all fit inside though, so good enough.
I'm happy when I drive it! I have never had a car (and have rarely even driven a car) with such good design and spectacular engineering. When I drive it I'm comfortable and I feel in control! When I commute I know I can pass safely (and with a PURR) on the manic Brooklyn Queens Expressway. I have a cup holder that offers me a beverage at an appropriate height rather than the one that required rummaging through a front seat storage bin in order to rest my coffee cup. I have a navigation system that keeps me from fumbling with my phone to access a map.
I have come around to the idea that some things are expensive because they're well made. Driving is less full of mental clutter. I am safer because I'm less distracted. I'm happy listening to music through excellent speakers and listening to the engine growl. I'm happy when my car sticks to a curve. I love driving my new car- it's way beyond adequate.
I aim to desire a lifestyle that is intrinsically affordable and enjoy good quality things within my means. i.e. walk everywhere but never apologize for enjoying Whole Foods quality ingredients.
I had two cheapies as parents. I think mostly because my mother was a homemaker. If she'd had her own income I think she would have had more of the "finer things". Her family certainly did when she was growing up.
Even now when I visit, my father always has a comment, "new shoes, huh?" , or something like that, even if he's seen the shoes a million times. It's always a little commentary on what he thinks of the way I spend my money. Ordering take-out is blasphemy in his book.
I appreciate your approach! I don't want to own many things, actually. I love good food, wine, coffee, etc and I would love to own some kind of a house down the road. I'm trying to reconfigure my brain so that buying a few high-quality more expensive things feels better than buying a bunch of "adequate" stuff because it's on sale (which is the model my mother always worked with). Amazing how these things shape you as an adult! And getting back to your parents' dynamic- Harold and I keep our finances separate for precisely that reason!